Ingrown toenails: A home treatment

In all my years working as a doctor one of the commonest problems I encountered was Toenailius invertus more commonly known among the uneducated as ingrown toenails.

This condition is caused by cutting the toenails too short and allowing the skin to grow over the badly cut nail.

Now this condition can be extremely painful and make walking a near impossibility. The usual treatment is a short surgical procedure under local anaesthetic at the local outpatients section of the hospital.

After seeing case upon case of this boring foot complaint I decided to devise a home treatment even the filthiest of peasants could safely perform in the comfort of his own hovel.

Below is a handy step by step guide to dealing with this nastily common problem.

Things you will need

1: A hammer

2: a small hacksaw

3: a sharpened chisel

4:a bandage

5: a small container (to catch any blood that may emit its self from the wound)

Step one

To begin with we need to numb the afflicted area and in all my years of experience there is nothing more effective in numbing the pain receptors in the toes than a medium sized hammer.

You should place the infected toe upon a clean hard surface and then give your self enough space to get a good swing at the little fellow.

This might smart a little at first but you should have thought of that before cutting the nails so low.

I recommend at least five or six good hard blows this is enough in most cases to produce the desired anaesthetic effect.

Step two

Place the bowl under your pesky toe, then take your hacksaw and begin cutting. I always recommend leaving a stump of around an inch so as not to make walking difficult.

In most cases the saw will be enough to cut through the toe bone but in case of difficulty you should use the hammer and chisel to knock through any stubborn bits of bone.

Step three

After removing the toe fully you may be feeling a little light headed but this is no time to faint as you now need to clean and dress the wound.

There are many different antiseptics suitable for this task but they can be very expensive so I would recommend using your own urine, nature's salty bleach.

Step four

After cleaning the wound use the bandage to dress the wound.

After a few weeks of well earned convalescence and the removal of the bandages your new foot should look something like this.

Walking and running may be difficult for a few weeks

after the procedure. So I recommend not agreeing to any long walks or charity fun runs until you are fully healed.

Now I hope in future you will think twice about bothering your hard working doctor with trivial ailments that can be easily fixed by a simple piece of home surgery.