Piscophillia: The unnatural curse of fish love

Most non medical people will, I feel sure, have never come across today's topic as it is a very rare sexual condition named Piscophillia, also more commonly known among the uneducated masses as fish love.

In all my years as a professional medical saint and hands on sexual healer, I have only ever seen one genuine case and it's this gentleman I'd like to discuss with you today.
The patient, a Mr Arnie Gufflink, came to see me just over five years ago and begged me to help him cure his unnatural feelings towards our befinned friends of the deep.

It seems Mr Gufflink had, since a childhood incident with an Eel at Seaworld, found it virtually impossible to satisfy his animal desires in the way most men do, i.e masturbation and voyeurism, and had consequently developed this strange sexual affliction, which had gotten him banned from every aquatic pet shop and aquarium in the greater London area.

By time Mr Gufflink had found his way into my healing hands, he had already served eight months at Her majesty's pleasure for what was called at the trial, "The scaley love that dare not speak it's name."
Of course being the kind of person who has a compulsion to help creatures less fortunate than me, I immediately agreed to help this sad fish based pervert.

Having little experience in this particular area I decided to wing it and try something known as aversion therapy. This treatment is particularly effective in the treatment of pedophiles and by my reckoning if you can cure pedophiles with it, Piscophillia should be child's play.

We began by making Mr Gufflink comfortable before the huge screen I had erected in my darkened office. I had told Mr Gufflink that I had acquired some underground fish porn and wanted to test his reactions to some hardcore fin on fin action.
So I waited patiently as he pulled down his pants readied his hands and carefully placed several nearby tissues on stand by.
As the video began to play I immediately noticed Mr Gufflink's sexual appendage had begun to swell, I was concerned at first but then remembered that this is normal in the sexually excited male of the human species.
As BBC's marvelous Blue planet played out on the huge screen and Mr Gufflink had built up a frantic but steady rhythm, I slowly approached him careful to shield the buzzing cattle prod from his fish obsessed eyes.
I stood beside him quietly, waiting until he began to reach his sexual nadir, and just before he began his vinegar strokes, I pounced with the cattle prod and screamed " NO!!! BAD MAN!!! FISH BAD!! NO!!!"
As the twenty thousand volts shot through his shocked testicles our eyes met and I could sense that he was desperately trying to thank me, but due to the foam pouring from his trembling lips, he was sadly unable to do so.
We had ten more sessions like this before I had to stop seeing the patient, as it seems he actually looked forward to the electrical climax of our sessions and had developed a new fantasy involving electric Eels.

So you see, even a highly qualified and world famous sexual healer such as myself cannot cure every condition we come across and unfortunately my attempts at a cure had sent Mr Gufflink into an unhealthy spiral of fish based decadence, from which I fear death will be his only release.

Dr Bamboo's position of the month: The style of the dog

As part of my continuing mission to educate my less sexually experienced readers, I'd like to present you this month with a position that only the most perverted of sluts will even consider doing, but which I feel may be of use to some of the less successful gentlemen out there.
I'm speaking of course, of the ones that are so ugly and desperate that they have no alternative but to resort to using filthy street whores.

Now this position is a lot more complicated than last months and should only be attempted by gentlemen with the sufficient length. I recommend
a length of at least five inches as most women's buttocks are extremely large. If you are considering rutting a negroid female I would urge you only to attempt this with a length of at least seven inches as most women of this persuasion have arses like two dwarfs heads in a bag.

To rut a bitch in this position the male should kneel behind the suitably positioned female (as above) and place his erect bitch staff into the females slick sex pouch.
He must then proceed to agitate it in back and forth motion much the same as we learned in the missionary position.

While doing this it is considered polite to slap your bitch's arse cheeks and tell her what a dirty slut she is. Now this isn't set in stone and most filthy talk will suffice, but do try to avoid mentioning other women or indeed for our more filthier readers other men.
A lot of people ask me should I try to reach round and rub the females bitch bump, to this I can only say NO!!!!

If the woman you are rutting in this fashion cannot achieve satisfactory stimulation from a decent sized pole deep within her cunt muffin, then she is in all probability a slut and rubbing her bitch bump will only encourage her.

Help your old friend Dr Bamboo

Dear friends, as you may have read recently on the brilliant News direct and other less reliable media outlets, I have been having a spot of bother with those unqualified dinosaur bastards at the General medical council in London.

Of course all the allegations against me are false and that old bitch has absolutely no proof that the "finger in the vagina" method is anything other than a medically valid way to take a female patients temperature.
I would like to also take this opportunity to thank all the people at News direct who have have stood by me and resolutely fought my righteous corner in this sad and unfortunate matter.

Having said that I still need my faithful readers support, so I am giving you all the opportunity to send me your messages of support, which I will present to the tribunal before they make their final decision.

If you would like to help your old friend Dr Bamboo and show your support for unfettered medical science, please leave your message in the comments section.
God bless you all.
(Except that old bitch!)

Just what is a clitoris?

This is a question I am asked a lot by mystified male patients most of whom regard the clitoris as some sort of mythical beast akin to griffin or the phoenix.
So I thought I'd take this chance to set a few things straight about this nasty little beast and maybe prove once and for all that it does exist and is not a female plot to make men feel inadequate.

The clitoris, often known as the "bitch bump" or "sex tumour" is the female equivalent of a penis and as such it's primary function is urination.
When not being used for passing water the clitoris also doubles up as the females primary route to pleasure.

In some primitive cultures it is said that men pleasure the disgusting cyst like lump with their mouths, But I must stress this is mostly unfounded legend as I doubt any sane man would want to put that thing in his mouth.
Apart from it being covered in the nastiest of germs, I have it on good authority that it has a strong taste of aniseed and smells like cat litter.

If your wife or girlfriend insists on you touching it, I would recommend doing so in medical gloves and old clothes to avoid getting covered in the "Fanny batter" excited females produce at the fulfillment of their sexual desire.
All in all the clitoris is a nasty little thing and best avoided, which is the best advice I can give to any men out there. Moreover its a medically proven fact that women take most of their sexual pleasure from giving pleasure to men and fiddling with your wives "bitch bump" may just encourage her to become a slut and start hanging out in bars asking strange men to rub her slimy sex button.

Improve the size of your manhood!

There is an old saying that says "Small ones are nice but big ones feel better" and whats true for breasts is also true for the penis.
It's not uncommon for ladies in my consulting rooms to complain of their partners equipment and for them to dream that they were as well endowed as your own beloved Dr Bamboo.

So in an attempt to help those poor unsatisfied females out there, I have decided to share with you Dr Mohendras X Bamboo's fool proof method for increasing your puny manhood into something resembling a real mans sex cock.

My technique is very simple and involves an old Hindu method called "Pukani ma lil lingum" which translates roughly as "Stretch my little cock"
I have used this often painful technique on many men and all bar one was very happy with the results we eventually produced.

The photographs you see above are of a man I will call for Modesty's sake Mr Alvin C Jones the third of 48200 Van buren way, Dallas TX.

Mr "Jones" came to be with his "little" problem sometime late last year and begged me for help and I being saintlike and fully conversant with the problem agreed, for a fee, to help Mr "Jones" increase the size of his pathetic attempt of a penis.

After explaining the lengthy and painful nature of the treatment to the patient I agreed to begin straight away.
Now the tool I employ in this revolutionary procedure may surprise a few unqualified amateurs and believe me when Mr "Jones" saw me take out my bull nose pliers, he also became very worried.
but after a little chat I managed to convince him drastic measures were in deed needed if he were to ever fulfill his ambition of filling his insatiable wife.

After the patient removed his trousers I firmly grasped the end of his member with the surgical pliers and began to pull the little fellow out away from his equally small testicles.
I like to play some Mozart during this procedure as it calms the patient and also helps to drown out the screams.
After forty five minutes of this stretching we can then help the patient to a seat and book him in for his next appointment while he makes out the cheque.

As you can see from the pictures above the technique produces not only substantial temporary bruising, but also miraculous results. Mr "Jones" put on more than an inch and a half during our six months of Mozart and tears and is as a result now nearly able to pleasure his fat wife.

Dr Bamboo's position of the month: The missionary position

In my capacity as the world's foremost healer and hands on sexual therapist, I find that a lot of newly wed couples I see in my private consulting rooms don't have the first idea about the actual mechanics of what some unqualified people still continue to call the "Love making act"
So it falls to me to teach those lovely shy naive virgins the correct procedures for the successful consummation of their happy union.

I always start my sexual counselling sessions with a rigorous in depth interview of the blushing bride, so as to determine her readiness and level of sexual expertise.
It's surprising the number of times a man will have married a slut by accident and only find out after I have subjected her to hours of intensive tear filled questioning.
It's because of this common problem that I have decided to include this regular monthly feature on sexual positions and techniques in the hopes of educating the uneducated male masses on the correct way to rut a woman of the female persuasion.

Now this first position is I think the simplest for beginners to grasp and should be quite satisfactory for all but the most perverted members of society.
This position is achieved by placing the female onto her back and then having the male climb on top, as illustrated in the picture above.
This gives the male an easy entrance into the ladies moist love canal and has the added advantage of it being much harder for him to miss his target and end up in the shit, so to speak.
This position also has the added benefit of allowing the female being rutted to amuse her self watching the television or indeed reading a romance novel over her partners back.

After the male has placed his powerful love staff within the females cave of mystery its usual for him to move it in and out at a speed applicable to his general fitness and overall athletic ability.
These movements should, in a surprisingly short time, be enough for the male to climax and empty what is known as his baby gravy into the female's dirty receptacle.
After this has been completed I always like to encourage the males to sleep as quickly as possible and to avoid unnecessary chit chat as this often leads to rash promises being made and ends only in eventual disappointment for both parties.

The secrets of size zero and how to achieve it

Now throughout my long and varied career in the medicinal arts, countless fat women have stampeded into my Harley street surgery crying and begging me to help them lose weight and be beautiful.

After recovering from my shock and revulsion at the sight of the hideous creatures, I always tell them the same thing STOP EATING YOU FAT PIG!!!
This has not only the immediate benefit of stopping their tears, but is also I believe is a valuable psychological tool .
It forces them to realise what grotesque parodies of the human form they are.
Now some of you out there without my vast medical experience might see this as cruel, but let me assure you its only a first step on the road to the physical perfection of size zero.

After shocking the patient into the realisation that her very appearance is, as she feared, revolting and that her form would make any ordinary man physically sick.
Then this is the time we can take, what I like to call the Hippo woman, and start her on an intensive six week crash diet that I call Dr Bamboo's D plan diet.


I first discovered this revolutionary weight loss technique in the humid malaria ridden jungles of north east Madagascar.
I was working with an old village healer and had the terrible misfortune to contract a case of amoebic dysentery this left me delirious and unable to eat anything for a full six weeks.
Unpleasant as this experience was I found that after the experience I had lost over six stones!!
It was a few weeks after my recovery that I began to formulate the essential basics of what I now call the D plan diet.

I believe no other diet in the world can give you the same results that I can achieve in six short weeks.
For a fee of just under ten thousand pounds I inject the patient with a patented form of amoebic dysentery and stand well back for six weeks as she vomits and excretes her voluminous frame through her massive orifices.

Of course this is a particularly nasty way to lose those excess pounds and I would only prescribe this course of treatment to ladies over the normal feminine weight of 7 stones.
I have had many successes with this diet and only two deaths, which I believe makes it much safer than other so called weight loss plans.
One of my Hippo women even found her self a husband shortly after her treatment and standing by her bed during the wedding service was one of the proudest days of my entire career.

The Britney paradigm

Over the last few years everyone from Letterman to the Dalai lama's brother has had an opinion on whats gone wrong with Britney.
Some say its the natural consequence of being thrust into the glare of international celebrity at such a tender age, others that its a natural progression in any young womans life.

I think it's time that I addressed this issue and gave my educated medical opinion on the tragic fall of every ones favourite nymphet.
Ever since Miss Spears burst onto the international scene in her plaid skirt and short shirt I have been keeping a close, almost paternal eye, on her career.
I've watched along with everyone else as she dabbled with staged lesbian acts and tight leather suits and all this has led me to the sad conclusion that Miss Spears is suffering from a medical condition called Joyium penisium more commonly known as being "cock happy"

I've seen this quite often in my years in the medical profession, it occurs mainly in younger women from the ages of about 14-25 and if left untreated can carry on up to old age.
Medical opinion is divided on the causes of Joyium penisium with theories ranging from it being a rare mental condition to it being some kind of airborne virus.
What is known is that the symptoms include mood swings, insomnia and insatiable desire for cock, hence the common name.

My theory on the origins of the condition are at odds with most medical opinion in that I believe
young women contract it not by viral attack, but by swallowing the spermatozoa of a male partner. I believe this swallowed cumulate reacts with enzymes in the lower intestine and produces a chemical reaction that then translates its self into an inordinate love of cock and so in the fullness of time the patient becomes "cock happy"

The condition seems to be worse the younger the swallower is, as I mentioned earlier the prime ages at risk seem to be in the 14-25 age bracket so I would like to take this opportunity to ask all young women out there to think seriously before swallowing your lovers salty treasure.

I just hope that someone correctly diagnoses young Britney before its too late, I have tried innumerable times to contact her in the past and all I have for my selfless actions is a restraining order and memories.

Ingrown toenails: A home treatment

In all my years working as a doctor one of the commonest problems I encountered was Toenailius invertus more commonly known among the uneducated as ingrown toenails.

This condition is caused by cutting the toenails too short and allowing the skin to grow over the badly cut nail.

Now this condition can be extremely painful and make walking a near impossibility. The usual treatment is a short surgical procedure under local anaesthetic at the local outpatients section of the hospital.

After seeing case upon case of this boring foot complaint I decided to devise a home treatment even the filthiest of peasants could safely perform in the comfort of his own hovel.

Below is a handy step by step guide to dealing with this nastily common problem.

Things you will need

1: A hammer

2: a small hacksaw

3: a sharpened chisel

4:a bandage

5: a small container (to catch any blood that may emit its self from the wound)

Step one

To begin with we need to numb the afflicted area and in all my years of experience there is nothing more effective in numbing the pain receptors in the toes than a medium sized hammer.

You should place the infected toe upon a clean hard surface and then give your self enough space to get a good swing at the little fellow.

This might smart a little at first but you should have thought of that before cutting the nails so low.

I recommend at least five or six good hard blows this is enough in most cases to produce the desired anaesthetic effect.

Step two

Place the bowl under your pesky toe, then take your hacksaw and begin cutting. I always recommend leaving a stump of around an inch so as not to make walking difficult.

In most cases the saw will be enough to cut through the toe bone but in case of difficulty you should use the hammer and chisel to knock through any stubborn bits of bone.

Step three

After removing the toe fully you may be feeling a little light headed but this is no time to faint as you now need to clean and dress the wound.

There are many different antiseptics suitable for this task but they can be very expensive so I would recommend using your own urine, nature's salty bleach.

Step four

After cleaning the wound use the bandage to dress the wound.

After a few weeks of well earned convalescence and the removal of the bandages your new foot should look something like this.

Walking and running may be difficult for a few weeks

after the procedure. So I recommend not agreeing to any long walks or charity fun runs until you are fully healed.

Now I hope in future you will think twice about bothering your hard working doctor with trivial ailments that can be easily fixed by a simple piece of home surgery.

Welcome dear friends

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all into my little corner of the medical world and to tell you all something about myself and what this excellent new section of News direct will be dealing with.

Firstly I would like to introduce myself, my name is Doctor Mohendras X Bamboo. I was born in Greenland but brought up travelling the world with my parents world renowned circus and freak show, Bamboo oddities. So I guess one might call me a citizen of the world.

Ever since I was a child I have had an overwhelming compulsion to help people. As soon as I could walk, I was to be found helping the bearded lady wash down the other freaks or I would be out catching sparrows and breaking their little wings with a claw hammer, so I could learn the correct technique to fix broken bones.

That's why when the authorities finally closed down Bamboo oddities, I decided to use my altruistic almost saintly nature for the good of all human kind and become a medical doctor. After many weeks of studying all facets of modern medicine, I graduated with honours from the Karachi postal institute of international medicine and immediately set out upon the saintly path that has led me via many a winding road to this site.

I want to use this site mainly for dealing with delicate personal issues for not only am I a doctor of medicine but I'm also a graduate of Papua new guinea's world famous school of psychiatry and motorcycle repair.

So as an example I'd like to present to you three case studies which I have dealt with successfully in the past and hope maybe it will encourage you not to be shy in coming forward with your own personal problems.

Case study one

Dear Dr Bamboo, I'm a forty two year old married man with a wonderful family and a successful career. Many people envy me and think my life is perfect but I have a secret sexual compulsion to rub my genitalia along the backs of shelled animals. I first started doing this as a small child I would disappear down to the end of the garden and gather thirty or forty snails together then take down my pants and place the snails into my underpants. As I got older things steadily progressed and I moved from snails to terrapins. Things have got so bad now that I own 12 tortoises, 6 terrapins 3 sea turtles and countless snails and I'm beginning to think my wife suspects something as she caught me last week dressed in just a leather posing pouch (full of snails) sat on my new giant tortoise watching a discovery channel special on the Galapagos islands. I managed to convince her I hadn't realised the tortoise was there, but as I said I think she suspects. please please help me.

Dr Bamboo says: This is a very common problem, I have dealt with countless cases of shellophilia over the years and in 99 per cent of cases we have managed to deal with the problem by the means of extensive counselling and the application of electricity. I would advise you seek out a qualified counsellor in your area who specializes in your particular filthy perversion and make the first steps towards a shell free life.

case study two

Dear Dr Bamboo, I'm a thirty three year old woman and work as stockbroker. my life is perfect except for the fact that I cant find a man. All my friends say I am very attractive and a fun person to be with but it seems to make no difference. Men never call me again after a first date and its beginning to get me down please help.

Dr Bamboo says: I see your problem very clearly and its very easy to cure. I am willing to bet my mortgage that you don't put out on these first dates and that I believe is the problem. Next time a gentleman asks you out, try sucking his cock before the date and maybe indulging in some anal sex afterwards and I'm sure you will find that men will definitely begin calling you for a second date.

Case study three

Dear Dr Bamboo, please help me I have no where else to turn you are my last hope! I am a normal average guy in every respect except the fact that my penis is very small. It makes it impossible to form relationships with women as I'm very self conscious and have never been able to satisfy a woman with my three inches. I am at this moment considering suicide, please help me you are my last hope.

Dr Bamboo says: This is a very serious problem and I can see why you think suicide may be your best option. I can only really suggest corrective surgery for this problem. Dr Joao Puta, one of my old mentors is doing some really radical work in this area and I urge you to seek him out. He is one of the worlds foremost surgeons and is highly regarded in the transsexual community for his high quality clitoris work. I also urge you to consider pedophilia, young girls have very small vaginas and I'm sure that your lack of inches will not be so much of a problem.

You can send your problems to me by using the comments link. I look forward to dealing with your problems and urge you to remember a problem shared is a problem halved.