The Britney paradigm

Over the last few years everyone from Letterman to the Dalai lama's brother has had an opinion on whats gone wrong with Britney.
Some say its the natural consequence of being thrust into the glare of international celebrity at such a tender age, others that its a natural progression in any young womans life.

I think it's time that I addressed this issue and gave my educated medical opinion on the tragic fall of every ones favourite nymphet.
Ever since Miss Spears burst onto the international scene in her plaid skirt and short shirt I have been keeping a close, almost paternal eye, on her career.
I've watched along with everyone else as she dabbled with staged lesbian acts and tight leather suits and all this has led me to the sad conclusion that Miss Spears is suffering from a medical condition called Joyium penisium more commonly known as being "cock happy"

I've seen this quite often in my years in the medical profession, it occurs mainly in younger women from the ages of about 14-25 and if left untreated can carry on up to old age.
Medical opinion is divided on the causes of Joyium penisium with theories ranging from it being a rare mental condition to it being some kind of airborne virus.
What is known is that the symptoms include mood swings, insomnia and insatiable desire for cock, hence the common name.

My theory on the origins of the condition are at odds with most medical opinion in that I believe
young women contract it not by viral attack, but by swallowing the spermatozoa of a male partner. I believe this swallowed cumulate reacts with enzymes in the lower intestine and produces a chemical reaction that then translates its self into an inordinate love of cock and so in the fullness of time the patient becomes "cock happy"

The condition seems to be worse the younger the swallower is, as I mentioned earlier the prime ages at risk seem to be in the 14-25 age bracket so I would like to take this opportunity to ask all young women out there to think seriously before swallowing your lovers salty treasure.

I just hope that someone correctly diagnoses young Britney before its too late, I have tried innumerable times to contact her in the past and all I have for my selfless actions is a restraining order and memories.

Ingrown toenails: A home treatment

In all my years working as a doctor one of the commonest problems I encountered was Toenailius invertus more commonly known among the uneducated as ingrown toenails.

This condition is caused by cutting the toenails too short and allowing the skin to grow over the badly cut nail.

Now this condition can be extremely painful and make walking a near impossibility. The usual treatment is a short surgical procedure under local anaesthetic at the local outpatients section of the hospital.

After seeing case upon case of this boring foot complaint I decided to devise a home treatment even the filthiest of peasants could safely perform in the comfort of his own hovel.

Below is a handy step by step guide to dealing with this nastily common problem.

Things you will need

1: A hammer

2: a small hacksaw

3: a sharpened chisel

4:a bandage

5: a small container (to catch any blood that may emit its self from the wound)

Step one

To begin with we need to numb the afflicted area and in all my years of experience there is nothing more effective in numbing the pain receptors in the toes than a medium sized hammer.

You should place the infected toe upon a clean hard surface and then give your self enough space to get a good swing at the little fellow.

This might smart a little at first but you should have thought of that before cutting the nails so low.

I recommend at least five or six good hard blows this is enough in most cases to produce the desired anaesthetic effect.

Step two

Place the bowl under your pesky toe, then take your hacksaw and begin cutting. I always recommend leaving a stump of around an inch so as not to make walking difficult.

In most cases the saw will be enough to cut through the toe bone but in case of difficulty you should use the hammer and chisel to knock through any stubborn bits of bone.

Step three

After removing the toe fully you may be feeling a little light headed but this is no time to faint as you now need to clean and dress the wound.

There are many different antiseptics suitable for this task but they can be very expensive so I would recommend using your own urine, nature's salty bleach.

Step four

After cleaning the wound use the bandage to dress the wound.

After a few weeks of well earned convalescence and the removal of the bandages your new foot should look something like this.

Walking and running may be difficult for a few weeks

after the procedure. So I recommend not agreeing to any long walks or charity fun runs until you are fully healed.

Now I hope in future you will think twice about bothering your hard working doctor with trivial ailments that can be easily fixed by a simple piece of home surgery.

Welcome dear friends

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all into my little corner of the medical world and to tell you all something about myself and what this excellent new section of News direct will be dealing with.

Firstly I would like to introduce myself, my name is Doctor Mohendras X Bamboo. I was born in Greenland but brought up travelling the world with my parents world renowned circus and freak show, Bamboo oddities. So I guess one might call me a citizen of the world.

Ever since I was a child I have had an overwhelming compulsion to help people. As soon as I could walk, I was to be found helping the bearded lady wash down the other freaks or I would be out catching sparrows and breaking their little wings with a claw hammer, so I could learn the correct technique to fix broken bones.

That's why when the authorities finally closed down Bamboo oddities, I decided to use my altruistic almost saintly nature for the good of all human kind and become a medical doctor. After many weeks of studying all facets of modern medicine, I graduated with honours from the Karachi postal institute of international medicine and immediately set out upon the saintly path that has led me via many a winding road to this site.

I want to use this site mainly for dealing with delicate personal issues for not only am I a doctor of medicine but I'm also a graduate of Papua new guinea's world famous school of psychiatry and motorcycle repair.

So as an example I'd like to present to you three case studies which I have dealt with successfully in the past and hope maybe it will encourage you not to be shy in coming forward with your own personal problems.

Case study one

Dear Dr Bamboo, I'm a forty two year old married man with a wonderful family and a successful career. Many people envy me and think my life is perfect but I have a secret sexual compulsion to rub my genitalia along the backs of shelled animals. I first started doing this as a small child I would disappear down to the end of the garden and gather thirty or forty snails together then take down my pants and place the snails into my underpants. As I got older things steadily progressed and I moved from snails to terrapins. Things have got so bad now that I own 12 tortoises, 6 terrapins 3 sea turtles and countless snails and I'm beginning to think my wife suspects something as she caught me last week dressed in just a leather posing pouch (full of snails) sat on my new giant tortoise watching a discovery channel special on the Galapagos islands. I managed to convince her I hadn't realised the tortoise was there, but as I said I think she suspects. please please help me.

Dr Bamboo says: This is a very common problem, I have dealt with countless cases of shellophilia over the years and in 99 per cent of cases we have managed to deal with the problem by the means of extensive counselling and the application of electricity. I would advise you seek out a qualified counsellor in your area who specializes in your particular filthy perversion and make the first steps towards a shell free life.

case study two

Dear Dr Bamboo, I'm a thirty three year old woman and work as stockbroker. my life is perfect except for the fact that I cant find a man. All my friends say I am very attractive and a fun person to be with but it seems to make no difference. Men never call me again after a first date and its beginning to get me down please help.

Dr Bamboo says: I see your problem very clearly and its very easy to cure. I am willing to bet my mortgage that you don't put out on these first dates and that I believe is the problem. Next time a gentleman asks you out, try sucking his cock before the date and maybe indulging in some anal sex afterwards and I'm sure you will find that men will definitely begin calling you for a second date.

Case study three

Dear Dr Bamboo, please help me I have no where else to turn you are my last hope! I am a normal average guy in every respect except the fact that my penis is very small. It makes it impossible to form relationships with women as I'm very self conscious and have never been able to satisfy a woman with my three inches. I am at this moment considering suicide, please help me you are my last hope.

Dr Bamboo says: This is a very serious problem and I can see why you think suicide may be your best option. I can only really suggest corrective surgery for this problem. Dr Joao Puta, one of my old mentors is doing some really radical work in this area and I urge you to seek him out. He is one of the worlds foremost surgeons and is highly regarded in the transsexual community for his high quality clitoris work. I also urge you to consider pedophilia, young girls have very small vaginas and I'm sure that your lack of inches will not be so much of a problem.

You can send your problems to me by using the comments link. I look forward to dealing with your problems and urge you to remember a problem shared is a problem halved.